utterly small

Last weekend I was asked, once again, what I wanted to do with my English degree after college. I told them the same thing I tell everyone. I have no idea. And the scary part is, I'm in no way inclined to figure it out. 
Here's something I learned this weekend: I am utterly small and insignificant and there is no possible way to construct a life for myself that will make me matter any more than I do right now. 
Three days ago I ran the Chicago Marathon. I finished in 4 hours and 24 minutes. This was not my first time to run a marathon, but I realized anew, how small I am. I think this is a very good thing to realize. Life is shifted into perspective when I become a single bobbing head, struggling my way through a sea of people on the streets of Chicago. I was a speck and not even a very fast speck. This is true of life as well. 
What I am trying to say is this: Graduation is not far away and something that people keep calling "real life" is waiting for me and I don't think I'm ready. But it doesn't matter. It's about moving forward, shifting one's way through the rising crowds of life until some sort of finish line is reached. 

Last night, I wanted my boyfriend to ask me to marry him. He didn't and I spent a long time trying to figure out why I had wanted him to ask. The close graduation comes, the more I am made aware of the instability of his and I's relationship. I think we both feel a clock that is counting down to the moment we have to break it off. Somewhere in me, I am hoping that moment never comes. I have no reassurances. I can only wait.

Seven months left.