There does not seem to be anything I can rely on. The future betrays me with its silence. The people in my life one by one prove their willingness to leave me without thinking. My own mind has no ideas or inspirations. I have no plan and nothing figured out or even sort of figured out. There is an isolation here that smothers me.
It will only be a few more months until I am set adrift in some unknown vastness and I will be alone. My boyfriend doesn't want to commit to anything and has all but confirmed that he expects our relationship to end when school does. In short: I am not important enough to hang onto, I can be replaced, I don't matter all that much. He always says "I love you" like there is a "but..." following it. He told me last night that he couldn't see himself being married anytime soon. I think this was his way of trying to tell me not to expect much from our relationship, from our "love".
I don't need promises, but I don't need a punch to the gut either. I don't know for sure that he and I will be together in the end of everything (whatever that means), but I don't know for sure that we won't. That is as far as I've thought about things.
Yesterday my teacher told me of some pinpricks of her life after college. She was very sweet, young, blond hair, glasses, a quiet voice. I told her I had no idea what to do after college. I wanted her to tell me what my future held. I wanted her to point in which direction I should walk. I wanted her to give me a hug.
My boyfriend and I fucked this afternoon. We fell asleep afterward and when I woke up, he handed me my clothes and held the door open. This felt like a metaphor for our entire relationship.
All I really wanted was for him to give me a hug.
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